Quiz: Who's Your 2024 Valentine?
⤏ WRITTEN BY JUNIOR HIGH
⤏ GRAPHIC BY BROOKLYNN SCANTLEBURY
Surprise! You’re going on a TLC reality show. We love this for you! Where can people watch the drama?
a. Milf Manor
b. 90 Day Fiancé: Before the 90 Days
c. Extreme Couponing
d. sMothered
What kind of girlie are you?
a. Garlic girl
b. Spice girl
c. That girl
d. It girl
In the highly political, very controversial debate of vampires vs werewolves what side are you on?
a. Team Edward, duh
b. Team Jacob
c. Charlie lovers rise up!
d. Alice’s leg kick in the baseball scene
When the devil can’t reach you he sends you
a. A “not like other nepo babies” nepo baby
b. An emotionally unavailable Virgo man
c. A male podcaster
d. A “I just don’t like to gossip” coworker
It’s never to late to start a new years resolution. This year you’re giving up
a. Oversharing
b. Double Texting
c. Shit posting
d. Telling everyone you’re in your “___ era”
Oh no, it’s your first date with your valentine and things are getting a little tense. What fun fact are you sharing to lighten the mood?
a. Ostriches can run up to 43 mph.
b. “Video Killed the Radio Star” by The Buggles was the first music video that aired on MTV
c. Whitney Houston was a producer on the Princess Diaries
d. Michelin stars were invented by the Michelin tire company
Everybody knows lying is the most fun a girl can have. What’s your alter ego?
a. Liz Anya
b. Adell Dazeem
c. Señorita Awesome
d. Kelly Importa
Quick! Beyoncé just announced Act II and she’s taking all your money (again, ugh.) What side hustle is going to help repair the damages?
a. Professional Bridesmaid
b. POV asmr-ist
c. Race car tire swapper
d. TikTok shop product tester
What iconic reality tv moment best describes your personality?
a. “She thinks I owe her an apology. Good thing she don’t get paid for thinking.”
b. “Is this chicken what I have or is this fish?”
c. “Do I look like I give a fuck? Because I don’t. I don’t care! *proceeds to cry*”
d. “Why don’t you have a piece of bread and maybe you’ll calm down.”
It’s your last shot to impress your valentine and the pressure is on. What romantic pop song are you dramatically dedicating to them?
a. “Clumsy” by Fergie
b. “We Belong Together” by Mariah Carey
c. “Criminal” by Britney Spears
d. “Teenage Dream” by Katy Perry
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If you got mostly A’s:
The Pop Tart mascot
Your valentine loves to disappear to “work on themselves” and you probably start all your text messages with “omg I thought I replied!” Distance makes the heart grow fonder and you like to keep people on their toes. It’s not your fault everybody loves you anyway! When you and your valentine finally decide to show up you’re the life of the party and the person everybody wants to meet in the club bathroom.
If you got mostly B’s:
Sydney from The Bear
You’ve probably thought about getting your life together at 2 a.m. and your valentine is earth sign coded! Get ready for some tough love. They see your potential and just want what’s best for you. Maybe you’ll finally stick to some of the hobbies you’ve spent an absurd amount of money on. Don’t worry you won’t be doing all the work. You’ll teach them all about the wonderful life of rotting. On the off chance you’re not working [in earth sign] you’ll spend your weekends strictly in pajamas, doordashing every meal, and binge watching The Ultimatum.
If you got mostly C’s:
The Chicken that lives next to Junior High
Congratulations, you’ve met your soulmate! Your valentine gives “your unemployed friend on a Tuesday afternoon” in the best way possible. Their love language is showing up to places unexpectedly and you love quality time. You’ll dramatically confess your love for them at least once three times a month and they’ll jokingly reply “who’s this?” every time. They’re #unserious but having fun at all times is your main priority. You might be a hopeless romantic but life will never be boring with your valentine!
If you got mostly D’s:
Jacob Elordi’s Bath Water
I’m going to be honest bestie you might be a little too passionate. You wear your heart on your sleeve but don’t let that kill your groove. Your valentine loves that about you! They love to play hard to get but when you ask them if they really love you (at least 5 times a day) they’ll give you the reassurance you need every time. You and your valentine might actually both be Leos. In that case, have fun deciding who loves who more!
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